dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
You Might Also Like
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening