If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.