Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
why would tinder want me to say this
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.