Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
You Might Also Like
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!