How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school