Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me![]()
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superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Running from your problems is cardio .
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]