People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.