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@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Put the is in disheveled
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird