I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.