Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then