My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
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If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.