@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

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@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@MatCro

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

@Smooheed

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

@ItsAndyRyan

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.