Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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No Google it does not
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?