@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

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@noog

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

@michimama75

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

@Jenny4ashley

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

@notmythirdrodeo

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

@StruggleDisplay

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

@ddsmidt

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

@NikiWithIssues

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

@neiltyson

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.