parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌