Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG