PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
You Might Also Like
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.