Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
work smarter, not harder
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.