Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
yeah not falling for this one
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh