[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”