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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?