If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
No. YOU-buprofen.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol