If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.