Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
the simulation is moving too fast
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.