says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.