Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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Most fashion shows these days…
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”