Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
You Might Also Like
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Lmfaoooooo
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.