If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
You Might Also Like
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.