It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
ibopfufen
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Just me?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
it is time once again
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell