[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.