If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous