When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony