I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct