Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
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Two types of dogs.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I have a type: disappointing