It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
he chose this
My boss called in sick of me
How do you milk an almond?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?