If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.