I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My first child will be named New Folder.
pep talk
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.