Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.