Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…