I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
cat vs inanimate object
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone