[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
You Might Also Like
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
why would tinder want me to say this
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.