Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
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Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.