I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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*updates tinder bio*
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….