Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
You Might Also Like
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Why is everyone getting married at me
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
All set.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.