I hope your spoon slides into your soup
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out