A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
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Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans