Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends