Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!