Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
plums roundup
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.