Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I don’t get marriage
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.