Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.![]()
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
#SaturdayBears
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Every damn time
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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?