Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*