Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*