I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*


“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”


Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot


I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.


I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.


My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.


roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!


How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.


Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*


Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?