@GetCougarized

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

@david8hughes

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@iNusku

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

@behindyourback

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

@RiverClegg

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

@Milo_Edwards

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

@Reverend_Scott

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

@JohnLyonTweets

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?