I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]