I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.